We often assume that psychological distress is caused by emotions such as anxiety, sadness, anger or shame. While these emotions can be painful, they are not usually the problem in themselves. They are a natural and inevitable part of being human.

 

Over the years, both psychological research and my clinical work have pointed to a common theme. Across different diagnoses and life experiences, many psychological difficulties are maintained not simply by what we feel, but by how we have learned to respond to those feelings. We may avoid emotions, suppress them, become frightened by their intensity, criticise ourselves for having them, or organise our lives around trying not to experience them at all. We also develop patterns in the way we think about ourselves during times of distress, often becoming self-critical, ashamed or believing we are failing to cope.

 

These responses are rarely random. They usually develop for understandable reasons and may once have helped us manage difficult experiences. However, strategies that were once protective can gradually become the very things that keep us feeling stuck. Before we develop language or the capacity for logical reasoning, we experience the world primarily through affect -a psychological term referring to our emotional and bodily experience of the world around us.

 

We are not born knowing how to understand, tolerate or regulate emotions. These capacities develop gradually through relationships with those who care for us. Imagine a young child who falls and grazes their knee. One caregiver may acknowledge the child's distress, offer comfort and reassurance, and help them settle before encouraging them to continue playing.

Another may minimise the child's distress, while someone else may become understandably anxious themselves.

 

These responses are rarely a reflection of how much a caregiver loves their child. Parents and caregivers bring their own histories, emotional resources, stresses and life circumstances to these moments, and there is no such thing as perfect parenting.

 

What shapes us is not one isolated interaction, but the thousands of everyday experiences that gradually become internalised. Over time, children develop a template for responding to distress. They learn not only how to understand emotions, but also whether emotions feel safe or frightening, manageable or overwhelming, whether they can be shared with others, and how they can be soothed and processed.

 

These early experiences continue to influence many aspects of adult life. They shape how we respond to disappointment, conflict, uncertainty and vulnerability, the meaning we attach to mistakes and failure, the way we speak to ourselves during difficult times, and the coping strategies we rely on when life becomes challenging.

 

Importantly, these experiences influence us, but they do not define us. Throughout life, supportive relationships, new experiences and therapy can all help us develop healthier ways of understanding and regulating our emotions.  For this reason, therapy is rarely about getting rid of emotions.

 

More often, it involves developing a different relationship with them. Understanding is an important part of that process, and insight itself can be deeply therapeutic. Making sense of our experiences, understanding where patterns have come from and recognising that our reactions are understandable in the context of our lives can often bring relief, self-compassion and hope.

For some people, this shift in understanding is itself transformative.

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However, insight alone is not always enough.

 

Many people can explain exactly why they feel the way they do, yet still find themselves responding in familiar ways when difficult emotions arise. Lasting change often comes not only through understanding our experiences intellectually, but through developing a different relationship with them.

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Talking about how we feel, is not the same as feeling it.

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Lasting psychological change therefore often comes through new emotional experiences, learning to respond to ourselves with greater compassion, and discovering - often within the therapeutic relationship - that difficult emotions can be experienced, understood and processed rather than feared or avoided.

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This is not simply an abstract therapeutic idea but I notice that, understandably, it can often be experienced as one of the most counterintuitive findings in psychology. Research on emotion regulation suggests that repeatedly suppressing or avoiding difficult emotions can paradoxically maintain psychological distress; a growing body of psychological research also suggests that approaching our emotions with greater acceptance and self-compassion, rather than avoiding or fighting them, can reduce emotional distress and support healthier emotion regulation over time.

 

Furthermore, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions is not about dwelling on them; it is part of how we begin to process them. Allowing ourselves to experience emotions often reduces, rather than increases, their intensity over time. ​

 

​Learning to notice emotions with curiosity, name them, allow space for them and experience the physical sensations that accompany them, without immediately trying to eliminate or judge them, can help those emotions become more manageable.

 

This does not mean becoming overwhelmed by our feelings or remaining stuck in them. Rather, it is about gradually developing the capacity to stay present with emotional experience long enough for it to be understood, processed and integrated, one step at the time. 

 

Like learning any new skill,  this often happens over time. We would not expect someone learning to swim to begin in a deep end,  and the same is true of learning to approach  painful emotions.  Psychological change often involves building confidence and emotional capacity progressively, at a pace that feels safe enough to remain engaged.

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Ultimately, psychological change is not about becoming someone who never struggles.

 

It is about becoming someone who can meet life's inevitable challenges with greater flexibility, self-understanding and emotional resilience.​​​​​​

 

 

 

About the author

Dr Anna Wachowska is an HCPC-registered Counselling Psychologist and founder of RelationalMind Practice. Her clinical work is integrative, formulation-led, and informed by psychodynamic, relational and attachment-based thinking.​​​​​​​​

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Psychological Essays | Dr Anna Wachowska | RelationalMind Practice